I is for Infestation

Guys. Spiders are gross.

And you know what's grosser? A G-D spider INFESTATION.

Yes. We have one. And I'm so scared right now. I know there's a spider (or 12) lurking in every corner just waiting to pounce and suck my blood (spiders are vampires, right?).

No, but seriously I EM EFFING HATE SPIDERS. And the ones we have are HUGE - wolf spiders and other skinny, long-legged creepers. That bite us...while we sleep. Seriously, what could be scarier? Remember when you were a kid and didn't want to stretch your legs out in bed because you were afraid whatever was down there (spiders, snakes, jaws) would bite you?

Oh...that was just me?

Well this is 10x worse because there is ACTUALLY something to be afraid of. And, I have a spidey-sense, I swear. It's bizarre. The other night, I was sitting in the dark feeding Beau. All of a sudden I could just sense one near me. So I grabbed my phone, flicked on my handy-dandy flashlight app (second best app EVER) and scanned the room. And I saw not one, but TWO, giant spiders crawling down the wall towards the bed. I mean, I might be psychic because these things were definitely headed to suck some blood.

Oh, and don't even get me started on the effer that was under my clean laundry yesterday. Ughhhhh.

So, this is the problem with buying a fixer-upper. Overgrown shrubbery + old window screens that don't fit right = major spider infestation. We thankfully have an exterminator coming tomorrow and most of the windows have been replaced, so hopefully this will take care of the problem.

If you don't hear from me for awhile, I'm pretty sure I'll be lying, bloodless, in bed because the vampire spiders got me.

Prayers welcome.

Here's our blurry, "Oh-No-It's-A-Spider!" picture.

Coffee With My Girl

I'll admit it. Sometimes I'm a less than attentive mother than I should be.

I check my email. I do my homework. I may or may not be slightly obsessed with Facebook. 

But today, my daughter came up to me with her mini coffee cup, babbled something in Toddler-ese, and handed me a plastic cupcake. Like, "Come on, mommy, let's chat."

So me and my pal, we're gonna have some coffee. And there's nothing more important than coffee with your bestie...not even Facebook.

This Is Happening Tonight

Just Venting

I just gotta get this off my chest - I've been feeling like a Class-A mommy-failure lately.

Being a mom of two is hard, guys. Really em-effing hard. I had the whole "mom-of-one" thing pretty much down pat, but throw another little human into the mix and I fall to pieces. And my husband, God love him, is NEVER EFFING HERE.

So I feel like I'm getting a whole heap of shit dropped on me with no one to help pull me out.

My oldest doesn't get nearly enough attention. She watches way too much TV. We barely leave the house because I just can't, for the life of me, figure out how to get the hell out without someone sleeping, needing a diaper change, or needing to eat (seriously, is there truly ever a moment when they will both be awake, fed, changed, and happy at the same time??).

My house looks like we were robbed. And foreclosed on. Dishes are piled in the sink. There are toys, clothes, and crumbs all over the floor...and I think it's been like three weeks since we've mowed the lawn (howdy, neighbors!).

Me? Well, I look like a hot mess, hunnies. I'm lucky to shower every other day, I live in old pajamas (cuz let me tell ya, this baby weight is NOT melting off), and my hair and makeup? Yeah, never done. I'm sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, and under-motivated.

Let me be perfectly clear - I LOVE my kids. Love, love, love, love, love them. To pieces.

And I love being a stay-at-home-mom.

But I really forgot how shitty the newborn stage was. And some days, I want to go running from my house, screeching and pulling my hair out...while simultaneously chugging a bottle of wine.

Ahhh, wine...

Ps. Here is a picture of my future blogger (and didn't I tell you about my floors...?)

Motherhood is seriously glamorous, FYI.

Epitome of mommyhood: feeding your newborn in the bathroom because your toddler decided at that exact moment that she just HAD to get naked and sit on the potty. Awesome.

Side-note: I just started Season One of The Vampire Diaries. Why has no one told me about the awesomeness that is this show before?!!? I. Am. OBSESSED.
 ikindoflovepaulwesleybutdonttellmyhusbandok?

Day 26 As A Mom Of Two...And I Woke Up Saturated With Pee (It Wasn't Mine)

Day 26 as a mom of two (Oh, you didn't know I had a second baby? We'll get to that) and I woke up with my shirt completely saturated (SATURATED!!) in pee.

No breastmilk. Not puke (would that really have been any better...?).

Baby piss. Lots and lots of baby piss.

As I peeled my soaking shirt (And sports bra! The kid got me good.) off my sticky, just-been-peed-on body - listening to my 21 month old yell at me to get her out of the crib and watching my also-covered-in-pee 3 week old saw some Z's like nothing had happened - I contemplated just running, stark naked, out to the car and driving off to Disney World. Alone.

But, dude, I needed my coffee. And coffee at home is free. So here I am. Redressed (in pajamas, of course...) and ready to start the day.

I mean, when you wake up covered in pee, it can't get any worse, right? ....Right??

**ETA that two minutes after I posted this, I changed my daughter's diaper and stuck my hand in poop. Soooo...I guess that answers my question. 

Life Lesson Of The Day

For the record, don't ever, 

and I mean EVER, 

slice up jalapenos and then put your hands to your lips before washing them.

You will thank me, I promise.